all that glitters is probably just false pride

i am such a snob.

but it's desperately complicated. i've been trying to write this entry for ages now but for my own confusion on the topic. what makes me a snob? why exactly am i a snob? and why do i propagate the fact so? lots of times during long car rides, or when i find i cannot sleep, i try to evaluate myself. it gives me something to do, and it's frightfully interesting.

now considering the fact that i don't enjoy talking, i find that thinking is the fastest way for me to scrutinise my character and my situation, and writing helps me to organise my perception of it. i wrote two drafts of this topic and i didn't like them so i discarded them completely (which was a pity, because i had some lovely sentences in there). i'm very particular about how i write and how i portray myself, which is wonderfully fitting for this post because that's the crux of it--- i am a snob.

for a while i thought it was my parents fault, me believing that all parents are solely to blame for their children's faults. but i find it's not true. i have plenty of faults that have nothing to do with my parents, like my being over dramatic and being prone to extreme emotional investment in fiction...!

my parents are really good people, and i honestly mean it. i was sitting in the car with them one morning when i heard them talking about some people that i really did not care for, but my parents were discussing how to help them with full sympathy. as a pastor's daughter you're aware of a lot of things going on in the church. ironically, plenty of scandalous things occur in church, but that's besides the point. plenty of times my parents have proved themselves to be oh so kind and understanding, accepting the most horrible people and being patient with them; even the comments and conversation of people who are prickly and rude being endured by them, and i never hear about them getting offended or making enemies.

so why am i a snob? with such long-suffering parents and indeed very little cause to actually be proud, how did i end up such a snob?

i notice i have this wicked habit of looking down on people, like i believe that am better than them. but why? after some deep contemplation i suppose it has its origins in my extreme pickiness, perfectionism and general distrust & dislike of people. i have hopelessly high standards, and naturally lots of people don't make the cut. my time spent outside of social groups, curiously peering in, lets me observe people, and i rarely like what i see.

it's not that i hate everyone. in fact, i don't hate anyone at all. i just cannot bring myself to like people who don't live up to my high standards of tolerability, and that's about 70% of the people i meet.

now i know it's ridiculously ironic that i, alyssa, stupid and silly as i am, can dare to judge people so. how i know it so! it's all my fault. i'm a snob because i despise myself! and instead of taking on that role of obsequious serf, i go all the other way around, to high and mighty witch.

i have disliked myself for years and years, and have cursed myself an uncountable amount of times. but to keep myself above the reproach of others, i have learned to criticize myself more harshly so that i may justify escaping their hatred. it's come to the point that i have drunk so much of my own derision that i can't bear to take a drop of anybody else's.

on all my previous blogs, this was the topic i'd write about the most. i plagued me so, and i was firmly stuck in the quicksand of my self-contempt and shame. now i do my best to hide it. i try to be dignified and confident. i try to be kind and patient. i try to be funny and charming. i do all this so that i can shield the fact that i'm treading in a swamp of self-loathing and insecurity (and you can't say writing about it on some obscure blog is letting the whole world know about it, ha.)

so i see now that i look down so often on others, because of how harshly i look down on myself. this inferiority complex has been my constant companion for nearly half of my life. i am a snob, because it is my façade. it is my mask, my shield, my disguise. all because it's so much easier to find fault with other people than to just get over yourself.