automatic enervation

i can't believe how emotional i am. sure, i've been rather a crybaby even from childhood, but it's ludicrous to imagine how deeply sensitive and constantly afflicted my heart is in instances of even the gentlest outside stimuli.

there! there goes my heart again, the chief villain of all my struggles. i swear my heart is the most cruel organ within my body to ever get me into the most wretched mischief. in all my life, and in all of my greatest trials, my heart has always been somewhere there in the thick of the action, wreaking havoc in every possible manner.

i cannot believe how inordinately emotional i am. it still strikes me with distraction how witlessly emotional i am every single day. of course, not all emotions are bad. obviously. but how emotional can i be until i cannot be emotional anymore? what is my limit? what is my maximum capacity for being overwhelmed?

for a while last year, i had a few brushes with the suggestions of love. Not divine, beautiful, sparkling love, but your ordinary, aching, arresting but retrospectively dull crush. let's not try to pretend these never happen, for alas! invariablement, they do. even my very last entry was based upon good ol' preposterous infatuation. yet people prefer singularly to talk about such subjects in private because to be honest, these things are downright embarrassing.

anyway, what i've noted is that in the event of such, my first reaction is to lose ownership of all sense and reason. if anyone was a poster child for lack of logic there i would be. it's even been a common observation amongst my acquaintances my terrible silliness in the face of emotional possession that i also attest to.

in that time, i fancied myself a tragic heroine. i fancied myself thrown into a whirl of terror and joy and excitement. i fancied myself in love. all because i fancied the idea of who somebody was. it was fun, it was thrilling, it made me sing everyday. also, it gave me something to do.

the irony of everything is how i complain about my feelings and then feel disappointed when i don't feel anything. i fear my emotional levels have reached the very highest heights of puerility. i enjoy my emotional highs, indulge myself until i am sick, fall into a lull of disillusionment, and then feel bored and crave a reason to feel again. the proverbial vicious cycle.

i wish i could control my emotional inclinations. everything is so unpredictable. what am i going to feel next? being so volatile is so dangerous. sometimes feelings just creep up on you. there is a person i rather disliked a few months back, and i didn't want to have anything to do with him. but then suddenly, out of nowhere, without any effort on my part, i became frightened, because i felt something growing within myself that found me not indisposed towards him.

feelings are terrifying! and how i overdose on them! how very honestly tiresome it is. i wish i were more logical and reasonable. sometimes i am so stupid because of my emotions that i am shocked at myself. i wonder if a girl who feels too much is bore. sure, inside she's having the time of her life, but don't the people around her feel exasperation at all her sighs and tears and lengthy blog posts that never end.......................

i envy people who are dominantly rational. i wish i could feel as the stoic do. it must be terribly lovely to not be plagued by rapid heartbeats and indescribable floatings in your chest and achings at the very sight of a name.. oh my word the floatings! the floatings! they haunt me so. i can't even begin to describe how when i end up ~feeling~ i start having such strange sensations within me so much so that i can barely breathe. either that or i probably have a feelings induced medical problem, but that's besides the point! my heart suddenly possesses a wispy, cloudy, translucent vapour that tickles me from the inside and then i ache and ache and ache.

what a tedious business feeling is.

i find that at the end of these posts i always end up trying to tie things up nicely, like oh, but its ok, i will do better etc etc etc. i write these things sincerely, but sometimes (like now!) i don't want to write that. feelings plague me! they trouble my peace..! and so?


i wish i could act on my feelings, but most of the time convention says i shouldn't. the main torture for me is having to bottle them up and muffle their impact. i want to unleash them, to throw them to the sky like colourful confetti or torrential rain. i want to express, to shout, to sing, to dance, to hug and kiss and laugh and cry.

b u t   i   c a n n o t !

i have to be proper. i have to be controlled.
that's why i war with my feelings. they build up so rapidly within me and there is no place to let them go. then i have to stuff them into my mouth and wait for them to melt, all the while being almost suffocated to death.

take this cup away from me Lord! or is this my thorn to bear? i don't know why He made me with this ridiculous propensity. oh Lord. these copious feelings are such a ride.


such is life.

at times like these all i want to do is beat my chest, crying out piteously, "woe is me!"

...but then there i'd go again.