alyssa, me, myself, alyssa & i

sometimes i rather wonder how much of me people really manage to see. not how often they see me physically, but what percentage of who i really am as a person reflected on the outside.

do they see the person i force myself to be (when i actually care enough about appearances, ha), the quiet enough and friendly-enough-not-to-bite-your-head-off pastor's daughter with the occasional unintentional-but-maybe-just-maybe-not snubs at weak jokes and uninspired conversations?

or do they see the moody and woeful 20 year old, with all her eye rolls and scowls and bitter mutterings under her breath? can they feel her derision and scornful laughter at their attempts at gentility, and well-intentioned though badly timed efforts to talk to her?

which brings me to a question i've had on my mind for ages. why do people talk to me? do they feel sorry for me, because of my permanently miserable expressions? do they just need someone to talk to? granted, it is quite rare for me to be mobbed by people desperate for a chat, but i'm not avoided like the plague either, which does still make me wonder why people come to talk to me, for i certainly don't initiate contact either unless strictly necessary (i.e. emergency reasons like probably fire?).

of course, i could be merely over thinking something completely insignificant, because i've realised that for some people, light conversation is a common part of everyday life??1?!?! oh the horror.

but alas! i have strayed.

what do people really think of me? being a rather seasoned narcissist, i always try to imagine the opinions friends have of me. most of my fictional conclusions are quite negative, to say the least, but i cant say i've never believed that some people find me charming (names undisclosed!).

perhaps there are some people who might find me agreeable enough but to be totally and brutally honest, if people were to seriously think about who i am, they would probably conclude that i'm 

1. sometimes nice enough-- though
2. full of airs and graces & given to being a hoity-toity, 
3. a fairly decent listener
4. and rather helpful to have around when you desperately need a second person to check your english grammar.


i do apologise, i am quite fixated on myself. but there, welcome to my blog...!

No comments:

Post a Comment