expedient sensibilities

our minds will never meet.

at least, thats what i fear. but there's just something about you. something exciting and thrilling and colourful that makes my heart throb and spin and dance.

from the beginning i felt drawn to you. long before i had ever spoken to you or you had even come to the conscious realisation of my existence. there was always something about you. possibly it was how kind you seemed, or how sincere you appeared. it has always been my inclination to admire people like you; easygoing and friendly, unjudgemental and confident.

how ludicrous it would be for you if you knew!

my heart is the percentage of myself that always leads me into the very basest idiocy. i never wanted to feel this way. my admiration for you has over time gradually transformed into something i am now ashamed of. how could i be so undignified as to let circumstances influence my soul into feeling this way for you?

please dont misunderstand. i am not perplexed by the thought of anyone being enamoured of you. i can and have imagined how there would be a great number of girls aching inside because of you. such a lovely, precious person you are.

your generosity of spirit, your wonderful intelligence, your skill at making people glad...! how i envy you! and how i deeply and tenderly admire who you are.

but something is wrong.

our minds will never meet. at least, thats what i fear.

my heart easily goes toward you. if you demanded my devotion i would serve it with the greatest ceremony; placed into a box, secured with red ribbon, swathed in the fragrance of my admiration. how my heart overflows! i know myself too well to think i could be logical if i was met with anything like that.

but our minds cannot meet. ive never held conversations with you concerning anything of consequence, and intellectually we are not drawn one to another. i like your character, and your good heart, but there it ends.

i feel i always deceive myself into falling in love when my only basis of feeling is high regard and esteem. i think you are wonderful, so my heart is confused. yet there is little else to command my predilections toward you.

our minds dont meet.

what good does it do anyone when there is affection betwixt two persons, but there is a want for mutual idealogical regard? in this fashion, im an incorrigible idealist. i want hearts to meet, as well as minds. the support of both influences compatibility. but here i feel no compatibility.

in the random chance my heart is not disagreeable to you, i still feel there would be little to carry a lasting regard. and i like you so much that i never want that to happen.

i just want to leave here, then, the establishment of the fact that i esteem you highly, and that i do feel sorry that i should ever have fallen into this trap of hopeless empty affection for you. some days i wish i'd never met you, because of how my heart has reacted to that event. but yet in the chance that i hadnt, i would be forced to forfeit all the happiness ive spent knowing you, and for that i would be reluctant to let go.

nevertheless! in the end it's ok. i've learned so much so far. my heart has invariably taken a beating this time, but i will disallow it to ache or grow callous. i will nurse it back to health like a scheming troublesome child that i must protect, despite my frustrations with it. then finally when i make the decision to well and truly Love, i will remember that it is because my restless, overthinking, passionate mind has


stains of circumstance

i just want to write, and write, and write, and write.

i have feelings within me, strong feelings, warring feelings, painful feelings--- all bubbling inside of me, threatening to injure me if i don't let them out. they're ripping at me from my very soul; scratching at the cage of my body to be released.

i'm scared of them. and yet i don't quite know just what they are.

they are like shadowy monsters; shifting and looming, shapeless and screaming. they threaten me, and cut me, and antagonise who i am. they are familiar. i know these feelings.

what are their forms? what are their names?

they have no names. they just have impact. and i recognise them.

i hate the way i feel. i hate these feelings that come back every day to haunt me. small things set off large ones.

these feelings overpower me, and make me weak in my body; in my stomach, in my head, in my heart.

my heart is the culprit. he is the one that is betraying the rest of me. he has opened the door and let those shadowy figures in. they always wait outside for the smallest sliver of a chance to dash in and ruin me.

my father has always said to me, "alyssa, control your emotions." so i stand up and box them all in. i wrap cellophane tape around them. i tie them up tightly into a bundle. hoping and hoping.

i have tried. effort upon effort. stuffing my feelings into the closet of my consciousness, i whisper don't come out. don't come out. don't come out.

they pound against the door and shriek at me.

my whole life is a battle against my own flesh.

my own heart.

i'm frightened of the way it makes me respond to what is happening outside of me. the clash and the conflict that occurs when i feel a certain way and the things around me don't match with what i want and everything becomes a jumbled, ugly, blotchy mess.

"stop being so dramatic, alyssa"

"but i can't control the way i feel."

"don't let your feelings control you then!"

i take a deep breath. i hit my fist against my chest to quieten the noise.

"stop feeling," i hiss to myself. "go away."

it feels like being ignored. always it's hard to keep the closet locked. i feel the doors will break.

everyday i cannot pinpoint what these feelings are. they are always rioting within me but i cannot identify their origin. anger? sadness? despair? misery? loneliness? pride?

they will always be inexplicable.

" s u r r e n d e r   i t   t o   G o d . "

i want to cry. i don't want to open the doors. i don't want to unfasten the box, to tear off the cellophane, and the string, and let them roam free. what if they seep into my brain, and infect my logic? what if they take hostage of my muscles, and command me, like a wooden puppet?

my fears mingle with the disorder. my body loses strength as i push to resist.

" s u r r e n d e r . "

i open the doors, slowly, gingerly. quickly i cover my eyes to protect them from attack.

yet there is no rapid fluttering of bats wings or swarms of flies rushing towards dead flesh. the feelings ooze out, like mud. they disgust me and the smell is unbearable. notwithstanding i bend down and i scoop them up, reeking but powerless, and throw them to God.

"here! take these horrible creatures and make me free from them."

God reaches to embrace me, and my heart stops sneering at me, subdued.

i sob as relief floods the chambers. i toss the mud away, out the window, into the bin, away away away. as the sun peeks in the room is illuminated and the old feelings are nothing to me.

i don't keep them anymore. God takes control of them, and they cannot control me.

perhaps i am free.

some days the feelings come back. they multiply like maggots and try to wriggle in under the door. sometimes they hide inside, growing steadily, and i have the inclination to trap them in my closet again.

but always that voice comes to me, clearly and sweetly.
" s u r r e n d e r . "

then i open the closet again.

and i am free.

retro feelings

hahahaha i was lately presented the privilege of a blog tag by the marvellous carissa morais; something that was All The Rage way back when millennials' main source for social media was in blogging, and in the times when inspiration hit a low, the activity of answering questions from a tag was a welcome way to finally get a new blog post up (ahem ahem what i'm doing now ahem)

ok!!! enough with my introductory paragraphs! (cambridge exams really did me in; i can never write something without first suffering myself to add an intro x.x)

tagged by carissa morais ♡

A. Attached or single? let me meet a decent boy first thx

B. Best friend? my little sister lauren; but i doubt she's aware that i've targeted her lmao

C. Cake or pie? pie if it begins with the word 'shepherd's'

D. Day of choice? probably friday? 

E. Essential item? tissue paper hahaha

F. Favourite colour? yellow! 

G. Gummy bears or worms? worms i find are so much more satisfying to bite because of their lovely long bodies plus worms can be dual flavoured mmmmmmm

H. Hometown? petaling jaya forever my love

I. Favorite indulgence? maggi mee asam laksa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

J. January or July? january; because a new year always holds so much promise!

K. Kids? as many as i can physically & financially support hahahahahahahaha

L. Life isn't complete without? people to love ♡

M. Marriage date? sometime in the beginning of the year would be So Lovely ♥.♥

N. Number of magazine subscriptions? zero....... 

O. Oranges or apples? apples ✿

P. Phobias? dead animals and unfamiliar social situations :-( also slightly agoraphobic

Q. Quotes? “we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” - oscar wilde 

R. Reasons to smile? the knowledge that everybody was a baby once hahaha

S. Season of choice? rainy season!

T. Tag 10 people. :-( i have no one to tag let alone ten :-(

U. Unknown fact about me? sometimes i find bruises on my body that i don't remember acquiring

V. Vegetable? pea sprouts are my darlings

W. Worst habit? immediately panicking when faced with unfavourable situations and/or using the term 'lmao'

X. X-ray or ultrasound? ..........ultrasounds are more agreeable to me than x-rays............. (i don't understand this question lmao)


Z. Zodiac sign? taurus?? but idk the significance of zodiac signs

He/she will have to come up with 7 interesting or random facts about themselves 
and then tag 7 other people to do the tag challenge. 
  1. i have a chip on my front tooth from walking into a door in a mcdonalds T.T
  2. i can watch the '05 pride & prejudice movie repeatedly without getting bored 
  3. if you leave me at home all by myself i will probably not eat anything the entire day
  4. i am anglophile Trash
  5. the founder of uniqlo is japan's richest man and it's probably bc of me
  6. i have a prejudice against Apple Users but i lov my iphone
  7. i hate drinking pu er
tagging...? i have very few blogger friends :-( uhhhhhhhh

ok you're tagged if i've ever used 'lmao' with you no arguing i love you bye