i read my bible, and i prayed. but my feelings remained the same. i asked God to give me joy and peace to make it through the day, but there was only silence.
in the car on the way to work my mother talked but i couldn't concentrate on what she was saying. i wanted to think, and to reason out why i was feeling as i did.
to be sure, i did and do actually know the exact particular reason and cause, but, well, i wanted to know why now of all days. i wanted to drag myself over the same old arguments i'd been battling with in my mind these past few weeks. just to draw the same blood again and have the hard facts held right up to my face again if just to firmly acknowledge again and again: yes, this is happening. yes, i am bleeding. yes, i know logically how this is working. yes, yes, yes, i'm not mistaken.
i've realised that i need these reminders because sometimes when i'm not careful, i pretend that everything is absolutely fine.
have you ever felt like you have wanted something for a very long time, and finally, when some semblance of it comes along your hopes are raised and you get excited and you think, "this is finally it!" only to realise that it's not actually what you need and want and you're bitterly thrown back into the station of being without?
there are so many things in life that i personally hope for. this is normal, isn't it? but there is this one thing in particular that i've been wanting for so long. something i've seen and foolishly wished i could possess. but of course, we don't always receive what we want.
i fear it is all so stupid. desires are so laughable. there are days (i.e every day) that i wish i had no feelings at all so that i wouldn't need to care about anything. i wish i could rip my heart out and live emotionally dead. wouldn't that be the day! i could do whatever i needed without the additional encumbrance of emotional inclination.
but as always, i am this horrible mess of feelings and passion. until the day i die i will be like this; voices from my childhood decrying my feelings haunting me always. but alas, i am straying from my original thought.
so here i was, having thought that i had finally attained what i had always wanted. but like with most things in your typical everyday life, it was not meant to be. my life isn't a movie, lmao. i have all the internal emotional stress of a soap opera and the tangible dramatic reality of a piece of white bread.
i asked God if this was what he wanted for me; if what i imagined was my lot in life was really and truly for me. at first i heard nothing, and things seemed ok. i was happy for that. no news is good news isn't it? i had my misgivings in the beginning, but i thought i could learn to live with them if this was what God had in store for me.
yet i kept on seeking Him, and asking Him to reveal what He really wanted for me. then finally, finally, God spoke.
and He said "No."
i'll admit a conflict rose within me to accept it. maybe i heard wrong. maybe i was hearing voices in my head. but again i heard it, the Lord said no. and then again once more. i finally had to learn to accept that this put paid to it. it was over. hope was stifled. at least, in regards to this particular object.
so this ought to be the end of it! but my feelings, like the horrible parasitic worms that they are, wriggling tirelessly beneath my skin, continue to ravage my heart and burrow holes in my rationality. the truth is laid bare before me! there are no more questions to be answered for me! but like a fool i keep on coming back to this tired old issue, as if poking a dead rat with a stick in the hopes of bringing it to life. what more do i want from this?!
the matter is over. fully and completely, it is finished. what is left is only the bit where i struggle to put my heart on mute.
shut up, feelings. be silent, heart. you make me absolutely sick. begone away with you! leave me to live in logic and reason.
is there even a point in reacting this way?
i don't know how i will feel tomorrow. yesterday i was ecstatic, and today i am weak with melancholy. disappointment has a strange way of manipulating my sentiments. etc.