my ringlet of chagrin

believing in God as i have always done my whole life, up until now i've always trusted that if anything befell me or was a certain way with me it was because God had a special reason or purpose for it. now don't worry, this isn't some kind of crisis of faith post but today while i was doing the laundry i hit on something that totally perplexed me.

now if you've ever had the misfortune of having to meet me and to know what i'm really like you'd understand that i am terribly, passionately and irrevocably in love with language. i've recently had some conversations about how language is so important to me and how language isn't any old commodity but the most wonderful art and decoration upon your life and how people who don't appreciate language Just Don't Get It and are quite frankly not people i care to give my whole heart to anymore.

the thing that confounded me so deeply was the fact that i am me, this language drunk person, filled with words and an intense affection for things that are beautiful and exquisite and fascinating-- and yet i am here, in malaysia, where 90% of the population is hung up on everything else.

i don't mean this as an insult to the country-- it's a decent country, with fairly decent people, and enough pretty things to pass any low, basic standards of... art.

why am i here! why am i malaysian! why am i doomed to live here forever!

it's not a personal thing! don't take offence at me. it's not that i hate this place and desperately want to escape (no i probably do). i just don't fit in.

and no! this is not a post about how i feel so insecure and out of place but just why am i like this!?

why in the world did God choose to make me so enamoured of language and then drop me off in this land where beauty is just an afterthought or not even a thought at all! you know, i'm not complaining about the country here. i'm lamenting over how i'm even Like  This  !

it doesn't make sense at all! why did God make me so fervent and so bent towards my passions concerning language and beauty and yet put me here in a place so cold towards finesse and the very whiffs of sophistication?

i am Not saying that i am full of charm and elegance and grace, but what's the deal, Lord????

should i abandon myself? should i conform to the dullness and crudeness of malaysian society? should i throw away my love for beauty and deeply thought out language to embrace the place where i stand?

I AM NOT BEING UNGRATEFUL. i am not spitting on the ground where i was born. i am not deriding the hands that hold me. i'm just so confused and at a loss as to why i would be here when i'm so totally out of place.

i want to love it here. i want to belong, and to be proud of where i'm from. i want to say i'm glad to be malaysian, and actually mean it. i like living where i live. i love my family, and i know so many lovely people. just that why does it feel like my interests are not important here, and why is my concern for beauty such a ridiculous thing?

i'm a malaysian, and yet i'm a ludicrous one. i feel so caught between.

i fear i would be too much of a rube in another country, and yet here i feel like i'm not allowed to be myself. i'm in a constant conflict.

oh it's such a silly. i feel like i'm beating a dead horse. there has to be a purpose for why i'm so, and why i'm here, but where is it? where is my purpose? where is my answer for the way things are? so far i suppose i can accept that i'm a middle child, shy, a little insecure and rather ugly, but this really puts a damper on how i see myself.

what is the point?

i still don't know.

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